Ferret on the Field! Week 14
By Dave Schefke (@daveschefke9 on Twitter)
Week 13 was definitely unlucky 13 for me (and a certain friend)...on the betting end, we broke even thanks to the Pats inability to put any points up against the Dolphins. Thank you, Tom Brady. Way to fall on that ball on THIRD and goal...and thank you, Miami, for kicking a worthless field goal to completely shake Vegas...can't wait to see you get rocked by the 49ers. Here's my look ahead to Week 14! Special guests include a return appearance from Jeff Goldblum, Danny Ocean, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, the honeybadger, and Randal. Also, will the real Jags fans please stand up and give me an AMEN! Finally, learn when it’s OK to drop out of school.
BRONCOS/RAIDERS- Great game to bet, even at -10. My beloved Broncs should annihilate the lowly Raiders and Peyton will continue his bid for MVP. It will be interesting to see how Denver's running game fares in this one.
RAMS/BILLS- This will be a weird one. Both teams are coming off huge wins, although the Rams were slightly more impressive. Buffalo proved they could put points up on a bad defense, while the Rams took Vegas to school AGAIN and, thank goodness, didn't tie the 49ers. Instead, they beat them, and made Kaepernick look like a ballerina in the process. But if C.J. Spiller shows up for the whole game and Fitzpatrick doesn't soil himself, I think they can pull it off at home.
COWBOYS/BENGALS- This will be a great game. I can't make fun of Dallas any more than I already have, and Demarco Murray adds a huge boost to their offense. The Bengals are on fire, and Dalton is playing the way Cincy fans hoped he would. A.J. Green is arguably the top WR this year, and definitely the most consistent. And with a running game of their own, Cincy will take the Boys down at home and cover the spread…it’s only -3...and keep their playoff hopes alive.
CHIEFS/BROWNS- Game has been cancelled due to lack of interest. Stay tuned for Dancing with the Stars, where Tony Romo must choose whether to dance with Jessica Simpson or a honeybadger. Randal guest stars as a judge in this one. "Oh my gosh, look at Tony Romo dance, he just doesn't give a ****, exactly like how he plays football!!"
TITANS/COLTS- Ugh. The Titans are just bad, and I can't help feeling for their young players. Jake Locker and Kendall Wright seem like such a waste of talent on that team. This is going to be an ugly game, but as Jeff Goldblum would say, "Luck...will find a way." Indy wins and it won't be pretty.
BEARS/VIKINGS- 'Da Bears just lost to Seattle at home. Good thing for them they are playing the Vikings. Adrian Peterson ran for 5,839 yards last game and they STILL lost. Prediction: Cutler gets in at least one fight with his O-Line, but they make up on the sidelines later on in time to come out with a win.
EAGLES/BUCS- I'll go out on a limb and say that this is going to be better than most people think. To everyone who said I was wrong about Nick Foles...I told you so. He and his long, flowing locks are the real deal. I can't imagine what he could do behind an actual O-Line. I'm not saying he’s Peyton Manning and I’m not saying he won't throw a pick or two in this game, but he is the clear choice over a HEALTHY Michael Vick. Oh, Andy Reid, you and your games... And WHERE DID BRYCE BROWN COME FROM?? Stay in school kids, it's the smart thing to do...unless you're Bryce Brown. Then dropping out is the right thing to do. Unfortunately for the Philly fans who are left, these rookie gems won't be enough to grab a win.
RAVENS/REDSKINS- The Ravens just lost a huge game to the Steelers, who were quarterbacked by...hang on...one, Charlie Batch. With all my terrible jokes, that is honestly hilarious. The Redskins just beat the Giants on MNF. I'm not one to overreact to a team having a good or bad week, but I feel like last week was a very accurate indication of who these teams really are. The Redskins seemed out of the playoff picture, but still had the heart and skill to lay the smackdown on a playoff race team to claw themselves back into the conversation. The Ravens are scratching their heads wondering how they are 9-3. I'll take RG3 in this one.
FALCONS/PANTHERS- I'm putting my money where my mouth is here. The line is 3.5, so I bought the half point and slammed it on the Falcons. Yes, the Falcons are my proclaimed "worst 11-1 team ever." But that is a far cry from saying they aren't a solid football team who will definitely beat the Panthers. Cam Newton and squad have been a major disappointment, and, although they'll keep this one close, they will add to that trend as Atlanta wins their...gulp...12th game.
JETS/JAGS- This line was absolutely hilarious. Vegas was taking bets on who the Jets' QB is going to be. The funny thing? There may have been more money on that bet than the actual game. The Jags were surging with Chad Henne forgetting who he is and playing well, as well as first rounder Justin Blackmon decidingto finally show up. But just when you think they would win last week, they showed us all what it means to be a true Jags fan...epic disappointment. Kind of like being a Lions fan. That said, I have to take them this week. The Jets scored 7 points last game against Arizona and won. That should be good enough to...wait, no it won't. Jags finally get their third win this week.
CHARGERS/STEELERS- The Chargers are in shambles, and the Steelers were right behind them...until last week. They won, and they won with Charlie Batch. This week, Big Ben is back and will have no trouble leading Pittsburgh past Norv and crew to keep Pittsburgh's playoff hopes alive.
DOLPHINS/49ERS- So, the Miami Dolphins went to Danny Ocean and talked about breaking the NFL betting lines...again. But it won't happen. Julia Roberts refused to go under cover as such a shady character again. The accent was all wrong. Brad Pitt was missing in action completely, reportedly seen in San Fransisco holding hands with Tom Brady...you know, where that kind of thing is totally acceptable. After keeping it close with the Pats last week and keeping me from a very nice payday, I will enjoy watching them get their tails kicked by a less-than-happy Colin Kaepernick and company. I can just see Jim Harbaugh slapping him before the game pumping him up. Ryan Tannehill is in for a rude awakening. 49ers win big.
CARDINALS/SEATTLE- Darn those line-makers being so good at their job. If this was closer, I would put it all on Seattle. Arizona scored 6 points against the New York Jets. All game. 6 points. I'm not saying Seattle scores in bunches, because they don't, but when you play Russian roulette among three guys to decide your QB, well, it really makes me want to bet the other team. Seattle is coming off a huge win in the windy city against the Bears, and now they're home, and we all know what that means. Rookie sensation Russell Wilson continues to impress. Can you say playoff bound?
SAINTS/GIANTS- Shootout. After the worst game of his entire career, the fact is that Drew Brees is still Drew Brees. He will awake from his Quilly slumber just in time to throw for a million points against the Giants, who are on short rest after their tough loss to the Redskins. The question is whether or not Eli is embarrassed enough to throw for a million and one points. I think he is, because he plays for Tom Coughlin. And let's not forget about our history. This is about that time of year where the Giants...
LIONS/PACKERS- The Lions are only 6.5 dogs on the road against the Pack. This is the second week where every fiber in my body wants to bet against them, but again I will abstain and stick to my golden rule. Green Bay has been mediocre to say the least, but I’m sure the Lions will find a heartbreaking way to lose this game. I’m just not sure about the spread, though.
TEXANS/PATS- What a game. I’m excited just thinking about this matchup. In my opinion, the Pats are the best team in the NFL. The Texans might be #2, amazingly balanced and getting healthy again. The line is -3.5 New England. As much as I love Houston, I think Brady will squeak out a win. If I end up betting this one (just because it's MNF), I’ll definitely buy the half point and go with the Pats. What scares me? New England clinched last week and I’m not sure what their strategy will be. As long as we're daydreaming, and not that this would happen, but boy would I love to see Ryan Mallett play for a chunk of the game. 6’7" giant out of Arkansas with an absolute cannon of an arm, learning from the best. Hopefully he’s also learned his lesson about laying off the goodies…
Week 13 was definitely unlucky 13 for me (and a certain friend)...on the betting end, we broke even thanks to the Pats inability to put any points up against the Dolphins. Thank you, Tom Brady. Way to fall on that ball on THIRD and goal...and thank you, Miami, for kicking a worthless field goal to completely shake Vegas...can't wait to see you get rocked by the 49ers. Here's my look ahead to Week 14! Special guests include a return appearance from Jeff Goldblum, Danny Ocean, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, the honeybadger, and Randal. Also, will the real Jags fans please stand up and give me an AMEN! Finally, learn when it’s OK to drop out of school.
BRONCOS/RAIDERS- Great game to bet, even at -10. My beloved Broncs should annihilate the lowly Raiders and Peyton will continue his bid for MVP. It will be interesting to see how Denver's running game fares in this one.
RAMS/BILLS- This will be a weird one. Both teams are coming off huge wins, although the Rams were slightly more impressive. Buffalo proved they could put points up on a bad defense, while the Rams took Vegas to school AGAIN and, thank goodness, didn't tie the 49ers. Instead, they beat them, and made Kaepernick look like a ballerina in the process. But if C.J. Spiller shows up for the whole game and Fitzpatrick doesn't soil himself, I think they can pull it off at home.
COWBOYS/BENGALS- This will be a great game. I can't make fun of Dallas any more than I already have, and Demarco Murray adds a huge boost to their offense. The Bengals are on fire, and Dalton is playing the way Cincy fans hoped he would. A.J. Green is arguably the top WR this year, and definitely the most consistent. And with a running game of their own, Cincy will take the Boys down at home and cover the spread…it’s only -3...and keep their playoff hopes alive.
CHIEFS/BROWNS- Game has been cancelled due to lack of interest. Stay tuned for Dancing with the Stars, where Tony Romo must choose whether to dance with Jessica Simpson or a honeybadger. Randal guest stars as a judge in this one. "Oh my gosh, look at Tony Romo dance, he just doesn't give a ****, exactly like how he plays football!!"
TITANS/COLTS- Ugh. The Titans are just bad, and I can't help feeling for their young players. Jake Locker and Kendall Wright seem like such a waste of talent on that team. This is going to be an ugly game, but as Jeff Goldblum would say, "Luck...will find a way." Indy wins and it won't be pretty.
BEARS/VIKINGS- 'Da Bears just lost to Seattle at home. Good thing for them they are playing the Vikings. Adrian Peterson ran for 5,839 yards last game and they STILL lost. Prediction: Cutler gets in at least one fight with his O-Line, but they make up on the sidelines later on in time to come out with a win.
EAGLES/BUCS- I'll go out on a limb and say that this is going to be better than most people think. To everyone who said I was wrong about Nick Foles...I told you so. He and his long, flowing locks are the real deal. I can't imagine what he could do behind an actual O-Line. I'm not saying he’s Peyton Manning and I’m not saying he won't throw a pick or two in this game, but he is the clear choice over a HEALTHY Michael Vick. Oh, Andy Reid, you and your games... And WHERE DID BRYCE BROWN COME FROM?? Stay in school kids, it's the smart thing to do...unless you're Bryce Brown. Then dropping out is the right thing to do. Unfortunately for the Philly fans who are left, these rookie gems won't be enough to grab a win.
RAVENS/REDSKINS- The Ravens just lost a huge game to the Steelers, who were quarterbacked by...hang on...one, Charlie Batch. With all my terrible jokes, that is honestly hilarious. The Redskins just beat the Giants on MNF. I'm not one to overreact to a team having a good or bad week, but I feel like last week was a very accurate indication of who these teams really are. The Redskins seemed out of the playoff picture, but still had the heart and skill to lay the smackdown on a playoff race team to claw themselves back into the conversation. The Ravens are scratching their heads wondering how they are 9-3. I'll take RG3 in this one.
FALCONS/PANTHERS- I'm putting my money where my mouth is here. The line is 3.5, so I bought the half point and slammed it on the Falcons. Yes, the Falcons are my proclaimed "worst 11-1 team ever." But that is a far cry from saying they aren't a solid football team who will definitely beat the Panthers. Cam Newton and squad have been a major disappointment, and, although they'll keep this one close, they will add to that trend as Atlanta wins their...gulp...12th game.
JETS/JAGS- This line was absolutely hilarious. Vegas was taking bets on who the Jets' QB is going to be. The funny thing? There may have been more money on that bet than the actual game. The Jags were surging with Chad Henne forgetting who he is and playing well, as well as first rounder Justin Blackmon decidingto finally show up. But just when you think they would win last week, they showed us all what it means to be a true Jags fan...epic disappointment. Kind of like being a Lions fan. That said, I have to take them this week. The Jets scored 7 points last game against Arizona and won. That should be good enough to...wait, no it won't. Jags finally get their third win this week.
CHARGERS/STEELERS- The Chargers are in shambles, and the Steelers were right behind them...until last week. They won, and they won with Charlie Batch. This week, Big Ben is back and will have no trouble leading Pittsburgh past Norv and crew to keep Pittsburgh's playoff hopes alive.
DOLPHINS/49ERS- So, the Miami Dolphins went to Danny Ocean and talked about breaking the NFL betting lines...again. But it won't happen. Julia Roberts refused to go under cover as such a shady character again. The accent was all wrong. Brad Pitt was missing in action completely, reportedly seen in San Fransisco holding hands with Tom Brady...you know, where that kind of thing is totally acceptable. After keeping it close with the Pats last week and keeping me from a very nice payday, I will enjoy watching them get their tails kicked by a less-than-happy Colin Kaepernick and company. I can just see Jim Harbaugh slapping him before the game pumping him up. Ryan Tannehill is in for a rude awakening. 49ers win big.
CARDINALS/SEATTLE- Darn those line-makers being so good at their job. If this was closer, I would put it all on Seattle. Arizona scored 6 points against the New York Jets. All game. 6 points. I'm not saying Seattle scores in bunches, because they don't, but when you play Russian roulette among three guys to decide your QB, well, it really makes me want to bet the other team. Seattle is coming off a huge win in the windy city against the Bears, and now they're home, and we all know what that means. Rookie sensation Russell Wilson continues to impress. Can you say playoff bound?
SAINTS/GIANTS- Shootout. After the worst game of his entire career, the fact is that Drew Brees is still Drew Brees. He will awake from his Quilly slumber just in time to throw for a million points against the Giants, who are on short rest after their tough loss to the Redskins. The question is whether or not Eli is embarrassed enough to throw for a million and one points. I think he is, because he plays for Tom Coughlin. And let's not forget about our history. This is about that time of year where the Giants...
LIONS/PACKERS- The Lions are only 6.5 dogs on the road against the Pack. This is the second week where every fiber in my body wants to bet against them, but again I will abstain and stick to my golden rule. Green Bay has been mediocre to say the least, but I’m sure the Lions will find a heartbreaking way to lose this game. I’m just not sure about the spread, though.
TEXANS/PATS- What a game. I’m excited just thinking about this matchup. In my opinion, the Pats are the best team in the NFL. The Texans might be #2, amazingly balanced and getting healthy again. The line is -3.5 New England. As much as I love Houston, I think Brady will squeak out a win. If I end up betting this one (just because it's MNF), I’ll definitely buy the half point and go with the Pats. What scares me? New England clinched last week and I’m not sure what their strategy will be. As long as we're daydreaming, and not that this would happen, but boy would I love to see Ryan Mallett play for a chunk of the game. 6’7" giant out of Arkansas with an absolute cannon of an arm, learning from the best. Hopefully he’s also learned his lesson about laying off the goodies…
Interesting comment about the Jags fans....it's like you know one, haha.
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