By Tex DeVille
@The FUSTexan on Twitter
Oh my goodness, don’t look now, but IT’S FOOTBALL!!!!
That’s
right; it may be practice football, but it’s football nonetheless. Since the year has not begun, that means it
is time for predictions. Now, I am notably horrible on some predictions and somehow
spot on with others. This year, however, I took a step back, removed a little
bias, added some randomness, multiplied it by the insanity football seems to
bring about, and then divided by zero. So, without further ado, I would like to
present to you:
TEX’S (Tex’s tex’s) DIVISION (Division, division)
PREDICTIONS (Predictions, predictions)!!!!
Divisional Breakdown
AFC North: Look, I know that the Ravens all but gutted their
team, but they are still significantly better than the rest of their division.
The Browns, regardless of Weeden’s Top Ten play nominee this week, suck and
will always suck because they're Cleveland. My predictions? 1) Ravens, 2) Bengals, 3) Steelers, 4) Browns
AFC South: The Colts will win the division again… next year.
This year, however, you don’t mess with Texas. The Jags will improve to make
the cellar look better than the toilet it was last year, even if it looks like
a leprechaun ate a rainbow and threw up on their uniforms. Standings: 1) Texans, 2) Colts, 3) Titans, 4) Jags
AFC West: My first mix-up from last season’s ending
standings is the AFC West. The winner will be the same, but the Chiefs will be
the most improved team this year (not much to say). Standings: 1) Broncos, 2) Chiefs, 3) Raiders, 4)
Chargers
AFC East: This division is a head scratcher. I mean, no team
really stands out. Sure, Brady is a beast, and props to him for toughing out a
knee injury with his history, but that is the only talent in this division that
stands out. Standings: 1) Pats, 2)
Dolphins, 3) Bills, 4) Jets
NFC North: Between the NFC North and NFC West, I don’t know
which division will be the most highly contested. I truly don’t see any team
that stands out, but it’s not like the AFC East. Every single one of these
teams could feasibly win the division. Therefore, I’m gonna roll the dice,
consult my tarot cards, and read my horoscope to decide that my standings are: 1) Bears, 2) Vikings, 3) Packers, 4) Lions
NFC South: Oh boy, I really feel bad for the Bucs. They will
be the worst team in this division by probably 3 or 4 games. You can blame this
on my relocation to “Who Dat” Nation, but I feel good about the Saints this
year with their team back intact. This means that I believe: 1) Saints, 2) Falcons, 3) Panthers, 4) Bucs
NFC West: There is not a bad team in this division, just
like in the North. This will be hotly contested, and there will be some
surprises. The Rams went 5-0-1 last year, and no one is talking about that.
Bruce Arians took over the Cards, and he is the most effective, successful
interim coach that I’ve ever witnessed. Therefore, I’m going all kinds of crazy
with my predictions: 1) Rams, 2) 49ers,
3) Cardinals, 4) Seahawks
NFC East: And now, I predict my beloved Cowboys’ division.
My heart, of course, wants the Cowboys to overachieve and prove everyone
(including me) wrong. However, logic and reality are cruel mistresses when you
realize your team is average. And that’s it. I have come to realize that the Cowboys
have talent in all the flashy areas, but not the most important part: the
offensive line. Meanwhile, RG3 is charming the smack out of everyone, including
other teams. Eli is still a crybaby who doesn’t deserve any of the success he
accidentally achieved. Chip Kelly obviously has a wing fetish. Ok, so my
predictions are: 1) Redskins, 2)
Cowboys, 3) Giants, 4) Eagles
Since you see my divisional picks, now I give you my Playoff
setup, follow through, and delivery to the Super Bowl.
AFC playoff teams: 1)
Broncos, 2) Texans, 3) Ravens, 4) Patriots, 5) Colts, 6) Bengals
NFC playoff teams: 1)
Saints, 2) Rams, 3) Redskins, 4) Bears, 5) Falcons, 6) 49ers
Wildcard weekend: Ravens
over Bengals, Colts over Patriots, 49ers over Redskins, Bears over Falcons
Divisional weekend: Texans
over Ravens, Broncos over Colts, Saints over 49ers, Bears over Rams
Conference weekend: Broncos
over Texans, Saints over Bears
Super Bowl: Broncos
over Saints
At a first glance, I didn't see the Saints winning that many playoff games because they can't win on the road. Then, I saw that you gave them homefield advantage and it became a lot more plausible, haha.
ReplyDeleteAlso, how do you have the Seahawks missing the playoffs?!
ReplyDeleteI just feel like they overachieved last year. I have this gut feeling that they won't get the breaks they got last year. I actually wouldn't be surprised if I was wrong on that, I read in ESPN magazine they have a "no yelling, no cursing, yoga, kumbayah" camp going, and I just don't trust that. I was iffy on whether they would be 3rd or 4th, but I like Arians better than Carroll, so there ya go.
ReplyDelete