Ugh! What happened to me last week? I went 8-7… I… I thought
I knew what was what! Now I’m seeing the Jets beat the Pats, the Giants winning
at all, and *gasp* the BRONCOS LOST!!! OH, WOE IS ME!!!! If only they had Tebow…
wait, what? Tebow, a proven playoff winner, is still not being hired against the
likes of Blaine Gabbert, Chad Henne, Josh Freeman, Christian Ponder, Matt
Cassel, Matt Schaub, TJ Yates, Brandon Weeden, Sam Bradford, and anyone that
the Bucs, Rams, Browns, and/or Texans can actually field? Really? This league
makes no sense. In the spirit of nonsensicality, wait until you see my picks.
They make so little sense that they make perfect sense. Are you ready to have
your mind blown? Of course you aren’t. Here we go!
Thursday Night Game
Panthers @ Buccaneers (+6) – PANTHERS: You see, this
nonsense divisional matchup is exactly what I’m talking about. Which would you
rather: the mystery quarterback at home behind door #1 or the surprisingly
solid defense accompanied by a resurgent “New Age” quarterback? Wait, you chose
the latter? What’s wrong with you? Do you hate surprises? Fine. I guess the
Panthers will win.
Sunday Early Afternoon Games
49ers @ Jaguars (+16.5) – 49ERS: Now this one, surely, you
would choose the underdog, right? No? Wait, you don’t care if they’re “due,”
you say they legitimately might be the 2nd 0-16 team in the past few
years? No, don’t you know they’re saving Tebow for Week 17? You say Moses
himself couldn’t deliver these people from being a laughingstock. I see. 49ers
it is. Oh, maybe the Jags could win something if #TebowtoJax happened…
Cowboys @ Lions (-3) – COWBOYS: Look, I don’t care what you
say about either team. The fact of the matter is that these teams are so
inconsistent. (How inconsistent are they?) They are so inconsistent, Rex
Grossman has come in to tell them to aspire to his Super Bowl performance in
order to raise the bar. I would have washed this nonsense matchup, but, seeing
as how most of the matchups this week don’t intrigue me, I’m gonna go against
my normal philosophy and call this my UPSET. I know, logic in nonsensical times
is stupid, but I did think the Jags would win last week, so…
Giants @ Eagles (-5.5) – EAGLES: Last week, we saw what the
backup quarterbacks could do. If you are a Mick Vick fan, you were ecstatic by
that nonsensical display. However, I think Matt Barkley had a little
something-something that, if developed, could bring the Eagles up a step or
two. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think that, if the Eagles let him get
some 1st round reps, he can develop into a solid quarterback. The
problem is that he is a 3rd stringer as a rookie. This doesn’t
exactly open doors for him to improve. All that being said, Vick seems to be
healthy enough to lead this team to a win against a just downright pathetic
Giants team. And don’t give me that nonsense that the Giants won a game. So
what? Josh Freeman looked about as accurate as a drunk Elmer Fudd. If the
Giants couldn’t have beaten that, they don’t deserve to be called a professional
team.
Browns @ Chiefs (-7.5) – CHIEFS: The Chiefs are the best
all-around team in the league. I don’t care what Dylan says. Now, some of you
may be wondering why I’m defending the Chiefs so much. I did a lot of thinking
this week, and I think it’s because the Chiefs have their roots in Dallas as
the original Texans. I know, I’m thinking too logically about my allegiance
rather than just saying it’s because they sucked last year, and I feel bad for
them. Anyway, a convincing win here will go a long way to shut off all of the
Chiefs’ critic. And yes, I said critic, singular. As in Dylan. Dylan doubts the
Chiefs’ legitimacy. A convincing win will help shut that garbage up.
Bills @ Saints (-11.5) – SAINTS: There is no nonsense in
this matchup. This game is in New Orleans against a banged-up Bills team. LOCK
it up; this game is done.
Dolphins @ Patriots (-6.5) – PATRIOTS: Would someone please
explain to me how the Patriots lose after regaining their best offensive
weapon? Surely that’s just because it’s the first week back, right? I mean, the
Patriots aren’t going to drop 2 divisional matchups in a row, right? That would
be… nonsense…
Sunday Late Afternoon Games
Jets @ Bengals (-6.5) – BENGALS: WHAT? The Jets are being
doubted by 6.5 points? But they just beat the Pats! How can there be any doubt
that they are the best? Oh wait, you think that it was a fluke and the division
was never even in the most glorious of dreams for the Jets? That seems a little
harsh, but you said it, not me.
Steelers @ Raiders (+2.5) – RRRRRRRRRAAAAIDERRRRS!!!!:
That’s right; I’m taking the stupid nonsense pick of the Raiders. Why, you ask?
Because I’m WASHing this game out, and I want to pick wildly seeing as this
line is so close.
Redskins @ Broncos (-12.5) – BRONCOS: Ok, nonsense doesn’t
prevail in Denver. Elway outlawed all frivolity once he gained control of the
team. Therefore, we have to go with the home team that’s used to playing games
without breathing.
Falcons @ Cardinals (-2.5) – CARDINALS: Finally Vegas is showing
respect for the homefield advantage that is in Arizona. That Falcons win last
week was a big MEH as far as big deals. It’s nonsense to think the Falcons can
challenge for anything other than 3rd place in their division. Watch
for the crippled birds to fall even farther.
Sunday Night Game
Packers @ Vikings (+9) – PACKERS: The Vikings cannot find a
quarterback. If ONLY they could find a proven winner of a quarterback that can
run and pass amazingly (#TebowtoJax). Instead, they got Josh Freeman and
promptly got him concussed to show they really care about the longevity of
their quarterbacks.
Monday Night Game
Seahawks @ Rams (+11) – SEAHAWKS: You know, this game might
have been interesting if Sam Bradford wouldn’t have been injured. Now, this matchup
might try to pretend to feature a legitimate contender, but the Rams can’t even
field a quarterback to lead for anything. Especially since the Seahawks are
coming off their Bye week, I almost locked this in. However, the wildcard of an
unknown quarterback is always a detractor from betting. Let’s see what happens
Monday night!
That was such a convincing win by the Chiefs today...
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